The Lost Years Part 2 - Raising Monsters - A Rapist, An Abuser, A Liar, A Man I knew/ The Weight of the Real of you

And in our awakening we came to find monsters, not under, but in our bed. My boyfriend had raped his past girlfriend and said it so casually over a plate of coconut fried rice at my favorite restaurant during his birthday dinner. When I tell the story of why that weekend was so bad, I leave out that part. Paralyzed by his horrors that weekend and the fear of dearest friend Rose in the hospital maybe dying, I lost sight of the monster. In the bad year, it came back to me again and all I could think was "I am the second naked brown girl hurting in your bed. You have made me the second brown girl now saying "This is hurting me" as you just keep going , aggressively thrusting your body and your words, getting off on our pain. Did you feel powerful taking what you wanted from her? Did you feel big telling the black girl she had no power. What a man you may be. A nice one, right? To do this once is a shock, but to do it twice is a peculiar character trait. I lose the words because I I've seen her face and I've seen the same thing on it that lives in mine. Can I say that a nice guy sexually assaults and traumatizes his brown girlfriends? Maybe if only, I could excuse it like white women, I don't know what it means for myself if I'm a monster too. And if knowing and sharing a bed with you after what you did to her makes me as bad as you.