Thank You and Stay Tuned

I wanted to say thank you to anyone who read wrote Not Me Too and I Feel it All. The dozens of views and kind words are more than appreciated. I wrote these pieces as ways of coping with or coming to terms with the CPTSD diagnosis. I wrote them for people who may have gone/are going through similar experiences. They're not meant to be character assassinations. There's much left out of here for that very reason. People are complex and can (although this isn't to say that any/most of this was unintentional) mistreat, harm, and emotionally abuse even with or without intention due to their own issues, clumsiness, or just the evil demons living inside of them. Granted we all make conscious choices. Those stories are meant to be explanations of harmful behavior and painful experiences, some of which can be characterized as emotional abuse and some of it just shitty, and reflections on my own behavior and how those experiences contributed to this diagnosis. Alternatively, I could've titled it "How a bunch of bad shit happened and broke my brain" one woman's journey to mental illness, how a strong stable woman got played and became another mentally ill millenial.

These stories are raw and vulnerable (and lowkey embarassing). When I posted Not Me Too, I found myself tempted to edit and stylize it to death until it had reached the status of a biting New Yorkeresque thinkpiece. While I could've caught a few more typos in the process, I think too often do we try to dress up unpleasantries, finding flowery language to minimize our trauma and make it palatable. We try to make healing look pretty. But it's not. The process is ugly and circuitous and messy. And so if you're in the thick of it as I am, honor the truth of those feelings. Honor the person who'd felt them. I see the difference now between the December ramblings of Not Me Too and the January reflections in I Feel it All. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm happy to feel a little further than where I started.

I think in expressing myself in this forum, after being in so many situations I had no control over, it feels like I've been able to control my narrative, almost liberate myself from the shame of this experience, and reclaim agency. And so now, I want to push the narrative forward. While that experience has reshaped my experience of life, there are many many more stories in the vault, wonderful and funny ones that let new facets of humanity and life take focus. So stay tuned for "My Mom Doesn't Care for Dogs" "A T-Bird, A Black Cowboy and Other Angels on the Road" and "Brooklyn Heights & Board Nights" and for all the new and better stories that are being written by an old white man in the sky as we speak.

Thanks for Keeping Tabs.