NeuroImaging , Lupus Tests, EKGs, Cognitive Decline - The Physical Side of Complex PTSD

One of the common misconceptions about PTSD or Complex PTSD is that is simply having painful flashbacks to moments of trauma. I think this is partially the image of PTSD portrayed by the media which could never fully describe the depth of the disorder. Some media I've watched recently does a good job of being more wholistic in its depictions of complex trauma - Perks of Being a Wallflower , The Bear. But while they can only at best show us that the act of remembering traumatic events is extremely painful and often times debilitating for those with PTSD, the symptoms and side effects of trauma set off a whole host of ailments that extend much further than simple "sadness" when remembering past events.

Before I was diagnosed, I kept trying to understand why I feel something so much more extreme than regular sadness, why my body felt like it was breaking. At first I thought perhaps, I was just in a state of shock but when the physical pain had crept in, I realized there was more to this than I thought. At first I thought, I was experiencing migraines. But the sensation felt less like a normal headache. They were more like these large sweeping waves of cranial pain that would last for days on end. I had stopped eating for a few weeks, no longer feeling proper hunger cues and distracted by the shock. When I started eating again, I was experiencing nausea and couldn't digest food properly. My muscles ached daily. I had strange pain in my feet. One of the worst side effects was the perpetual brain fog. At first, I attributed it to the lack of sleep I was getting but even when I could sleep, I'd awake with this never ending sense of brain fog in addition to the feeling of anxiety. I trailed off in sentences, said the wrong words, and could not work for more than a few minutes without needing to take breaks. I didn't work for 3 months. My brain just didn't work anymore. With the diagnosis of CPTSD, I begun to understand that the disorder had resulted in a change to my entire body. Not only had my emotional experience of life changed , my physical one did as well as I had to navigate a new host of physical experiences that I hadn't known before.

Now the thing to understand , at core is that real trauma causes an injury to your brain. PTSD affects a number of brain areas specifically the amygdala and the pre-frontal cortex. The amygdala detects threats and activates the sympathetic nervous system. The prefrontal cortex regulates decisions in relation to a possible threat, helps to regulate emotions and helps to determine the meaning and emotional significance of an event and regulates our attention to it. If someone is experiencing PTSD symptoms, these parts of the brain function differently. The high levels of activity in the amygdala combined with low levels in the pre-frontal cortex leads to significant trouble unable to think clearly. And your brain feels foggy because the pre-frontal cortex is not firing normally. One thing that people don't always realize is that because of the dysfunctional amygdala is that you are almost always in a state of fear. You never feel safe. And that fear will spread through your body causing body aches, head pain, chest pain.

I've sat monthly in doctor's offices and therapists offices for the better part of a year trying to understand why my body hurts so much all the time. When I started to exhibit all of these physical symptoms, it led to a host of tests : EKGS, brain scans, even autoimmune tests. And every time I talked about what I'd experienced the year before , every expert and every person told me, this is the result of trauma. Your body is also severely traumatized. Aside from the sexual trauma, it still seemed so strange to have these awful things taking space not in only in my mind, but actively crippling my body. Why do I digest different? Why is my sleep like this ? Why does my heart now beat like this? Why does my brain do this thing when I hear information? Why can't I finish watching tv? Why can't I cook? Why does my body ache all the time? It's strange to think of the way your body will carry the pain of your experiences with you. Even if your mind is far away from what happened, your body does not forget.

Trauma is reported to be a risk factor for autoimmune diseases, including Graves' disease and rheumatoid arthritis. "A 2018 study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) looked at 106,000 people in Sweden diagnosed with stress-related disorders. Researchers found that PTSD was linked to subsequent development of autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis,psoriasis, Crohn’s disease, and celiac disease". This is one of my least favorite statistics. It's strange to think that the worst things that can happen to a person puts them at risk for more pain down the line. I think life is rude and ironic beyond necessity in this way. But, I think I'm learning to accept the physical issues as a sign that my body is still working through what happened as well.

I read an article recently, about this survey that had found that 61 per cent of men and 59 per cent of women of difficult to treat cancer were traced to unforgiveness. While I'm hesitant to say lack of forgiveness causes cancer, I do think forgiveness is an important step in healing, not just your spirit but your body. It is a critical to forgivie yourself. And it's easier said than done, but often times the way that trauma reverberates through your body, it feels like a punishment coming from within. You're supposed to protect me body, why are you making me suffer so much? And suffer is the right word here, and a word that I'm realizing is the best and only way I can describe the experience of CPTSD. I'm mad at the thing that is supposed to protect me for betraying me in this way. You're supposed to help me body. But in a journey to forgive myself, I'm learning to forgive my body now for changing, for making my epxerience of life completely dfiferent, and more difficult than it has ever been. I'm learning to forgive my body for holding on to things I'd rather forget. Reikki helps. Acupuncture , yoga, dance, burlesque. I'm sending love to my body in all those ways. I'm reminding it that it's valuable, beautiful , capable. I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself and that includes my body. So be tender with your spirit, with your heart, and with your body. Every part of you needs it.

Wishing forgiveness and good health for you.

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