The Past, Present, and Hypothetical Future
"You wanna make God laugh. Tell him your plans."
- Woody Allen
At this point in my life, I find myself at what I'll call a pivot point. My life isn't completely changing. I'm still firmly rooted in who I am, where I live, the relationships I've built thus far. But, other things - a new career, a new working relationships, and thoughts of my future - are pulling me in a new direction. And so today, I think back to another pivot point during the summer after my sophomore year.
Up until that Wednesday in August, I had already formed a rough sketch of the next three years. I'd graduate from BC, go to King's College in London, get my MBA and then, start some fabulous, incredible job all before I turned 23. But, what I started to realize was that, I was halfway through college and would actually have to start turning some of these rough plans into a reality soon. So I started researching. While my 'Move to London and Become a Boss by 23 plan seemed feasible (sort of), I told myself to be more practical. So, I started looking at other MBA programs, only to go into shock upon seeing the mountainous cost of grad school - 2 years and 160K in the hole, for an education that would bankrupt me and my descendants all before I even started working.
Numb at the prospect of perpetual debt, my mind flooded with alternatives: What if I worked through grad school? What if I didn't get an MBA? Who know what if two years it wasn't what I wanted or what I was meant to do? What if I was meant to teach? or work for the UN? Or run a bed and breakfast off the coast of Maine? In this midst of all this, I stumbled across an article about the benefits of working professionally BEFORE going to grad school. And with that, I started to open myself up to a new vision of my future.
But, as I escaped the wave of stress spawning from my Grad school crisis, another one came just in time to promptly set the stage for a meltdown. I apologize for the following stream of words and thoughts and whatever else comes out. This is really how my mind works, unfortunately.
Me to Myself: If I work to before grad school, what kind of job do I want? I could go corporate or go artsy. Is Google hiring? If I go corporate, will I still have a soul? Okay, but if I do something artsy, will I make enough money? Could I pay rent? Well, If I live in Manhattan .... *spends three hours apartment hunting* $2500 for a one bedroom, Lord have mercy! Brooklyn and Harlem are cheaper, but then of course being at home is the cheapest option. Well, maybe if I had a boyfriend, we could split the rent. Ugh, but what if he's broke too. Oh, but what if I marry broke boyfriend and we can't pay for rent, or Catholic school, or piano lessons for Jackson and Mia (our hypothetical children). Well then again, if I'm single, I could just move in with my mom. But that means living with my mom, under her roof, and her nagging and her curfew... and her rules... AND BOOM
The avalanche of anxiety, stress, and exhaustion had hit and had hit hard. I had become so anxious that by the end of the day, I was barely functioning. Mindlessly scrolling through apartments listings in the Lower East -Side, I lay terrified of my inability to afford hypothetical apartments due to the lack of a good hypothetical job. Feeling overwhelmed, fixated on thoughts of the distant future, I began to look backwards, hoping to distract myself from the endless stream of thoughts. I started looking through old Facebook photos and found one of myself at 14. I found comfort looking at a younger Tabitha, who too had no inklings of what her life would become or how eyeliner should be applied.
If you would've asked me then how I saw myself at 19, I would've said: Skinny, at Princeton, with a cute boyfriend , and driving around in a red convertible. (Bear with me, I was 14). To 14 year old Tabitha's chagrin, I'm not at Princeton. I'm still single. I've gained weight and I still can't drive. But, I found the best friends I could've ever hoped for. I traveled to Italy and Spain. I have never felt closer to my family. And I've learned more about myself, each year becoming more confident in who I am than I ever was at 14. I missed who 19 year old me would become by a longshot. As my anxiety subsided, I laughed, having gained the perspective I needed.14 year old me couldn't even imagine what 19 year old me had become. So as excited as I was for who I'd be at 23, I hoped that the person I'd become was more than I could ever image at 19. Only time and patience would give me the answers to all my hypothetical questions.
So after all the hours of tedious research for the hypothetical future, I found some comfort in knowing what would be happening with in immediate future. When school started that year, I changed my major to include Entrepreneurship. I took more business and music classes that I loved, on the route to figuring out what I wanted to do. I let myself be open to opportunities, planning only for things that were in my purview. Because what I realized then is that the more I look into the distant, hypothetical future, the more I lose sight of the wonderful things coming together in the near and present one.
Me, Age 14, My bedroom New Rochelle, NY Me, Age 19, Sienna , Italy
Me , 23, Location TBD